You've Got Me? Who's Got You?

Lois Lane screems as she hangs by one hand from the runner of a news helicopter teetering atop the Daily Planet building. Alas! She can hold on no longer and plunges downward toward the busy Metropolis street below.

Not to worry! Clark Kent rips open his buttoned-down shirt. Then Superman suddently swoops up from below and holds her safe in his arms. "I've got you," he reassures her.

Her puzzled response: "You've got me? Who's got you?"

That's a great question, and not just for Lois. Our culture's expectations for men are incredibly high. Men are expected to be able to solve just about any problem the world (or women) encounter. He is, indeed, a wonderful creation; but he's not God.

Superheroes, Past and Present

If you could be any person--real or fictional, past or present--who would you want to be?

We all look up to someone, but sometimes we don't give much thought to where we got our beliefs and values, especially when it comes to love and relationships. Our parents, for better or worse, provided us with an example of how things should be. We also get a lot of information from books and movies.

We've had superheros since the beginning of time.

We can learn a lot from superheros.

Adam & Eve

Following is the biblical account of the first couple. As you read, think about how you might have handled the situation.

Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the LORD God had made. He said to the woman, "Did God really say, 'You must not eat from any tree in the garden'?"

The woman said to the serpent, "We may eat fruit from the trees in the garden, but God did say, 'You must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not touch it, or you will die.'"

"You will not surely die," the serpent said to the woman. "For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil."

When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it. Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves.

Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the LORD God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the LORD God among the trees of the garden.

But the LORD God called to the man, "Where are you?"

He answered, "I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid."

And he said, "Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?"

The man said, "The woman you put here with me—she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it."

Then the LORD God said to the woman, "What is this you have done?"

The woman said, "The serpent deceived me, and I ate."

The Power of Expectations

Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
But a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.
(Proverbs 13:12)

“Expectations are profoundly powerful, as they reflect what we long for and how we wish things would be” (Stanley et al., 2002, p. 138).

Expectations & Hidden Issues

Each person enters a relationship with certain expectations based on his or her beliefs and values. It would be great if the couple could acknowledge their expectations and talk about them. However, most of expectations and issues lie hidden, that is, until a partner bumps into them! Reactions are often immediate and intense, and can seem to "come out of the blue."

According to Stanley et al. (2002), some of the major problems that arise include issues and expectations regarding power, caring, recognition, commitment, and integrity.

The issue of power includes expectations about how decisions will be made, and about how control will be shared or not shared. Money and sex are often used as tools to gain power in a relationship. No wonder they provide the content for so many arguments!

The issue of caring includes expectations about how your partner should show that he or she loves you. This one is often based on the belief that your partner "should know" without being told what you need in terms of affection. Individual differences are vast, and unfortunately, mind-reading is not usually covered in premarital counseling. In short, how will he know unless you tell him?

The issue of recognition includes expectations about how your partner should respond to who you are and what you do. Couples can easily get locked into a competition about who contributes most to the relationship (or family), each trying to convince the other that his or her contribution is greater. Everyone wants to feel appreciated and valued.

The issue of commitment includes expectations about how long the relationship should continue and, most importantly, about safety from abandonment. One of the biggest impediments to couple's counseling is an underlying fear that one's partner will leave. The bottom line: "If you're not committed to me, how can I risk being honest with you about my thoughts and feelings?"

The issue of integrity includes expectations about being trusted and respected. Despite our shortcomings, we all believe that deep inside we're really pretty good people. How do you see your partner? Do you treat him or her with respect? Do you see the "image of God" reflected in your partner? Do you trust him or her to do what's right?

The Sources of Our Expectations

Where and how do we develop our values and our expectations? We base them on our own family experiences, previous relationships, our culture (television and the movies contribute a lot here), and our religious/spiritual beliefs.

What to Do About Your Expectations

First, you have to be aware of them, which may require a bit more self-reflection.

Second, ask yourself if your expectations are reasonable. In other words, is it humanly possible or is divinity required?

Third, be clear and let your partner know what you want. Remember that he or she always has the right to say no.

Finally, be open to dialogue, not only with your partner, but also with God. You may be right to stick to your expectations, but this may also be a great opportunity for you to grow!

Issues & Events

It's not about money,
it's not about careers,

it's not about housework,
it's not really about
his leaving the toilet seat up.
The real issues are deeper
and more elusive.

(Stanley et al., 2002, p. 119)

The graphic below illustrates the concepts presented in Chapter 6 of A Lasting Promise (with the added "bottom line" based on attachment theory).

The Power of Emotion

Communicating Safely and Clearly

Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry. (James 1:19)

Many of the biggest arguments you will have together may begin with a simple anger-provoking misunderstanding about what your partner is saying.

Filters affect what we say, what we hear, how we interpret things, and how we respond. Some common filters are:

• inattention
• beliefs and expectations
• differences in style
• self-protection
• emotional states

The Power of Emotion

The principle function of emotion is to communicate (to oneself and others) the current state of affairs.

Our partner is so important to us that signs of distress can immediately trigger intense feelings that are not unlike how you feel when you're standing on the edge of a cliff with your toes hanging over the side.

Our fear does what God intended for it to do. It triggers the fight-flight-or-freeze response and blocks out anything that doesn't offer a pathway for escape to safety.

Are marriages a haven of safety?

Not always. However, structure can help you keep your partner safe. There is a direct relationship between risk and intimacy in marriage.

There is no fear in love, but perfect love drive out fear,
because fear has to do with punishment. (1 John 4:18)

The Rules (See A Lasting Promise.)

for Both of you ...

1. The speaker has the floor.
2. Share the floor.
3. No problem solving

for the Speaker ...

1. Speak for yourself.
2. Talk in small chunks.
3. Stop and let the Listener paraphrase.

for the Listener ...

1. Paraphrase what you hear.
2. Don't rebut. Focus on the Speaker's message.

Advantages of the Speaker-Listener Technique

Using the technique helps prevent communication problems with:

• escalation
• invalidation
• pursuing and withdrawing
• filters

If you and your partner are having difficulty using the Speaker-Listener Technique, give us a call. We're here to help. 714-865-2164

Predicting Divorce

Reality Check

We know that the first marriage wasn't always a Garden-of-Eden experience, right? The first couple had their share of problems (see Genesis 3 and beyond), and contemporary couples do, too.

It usually doesn't take long for couples to figure out that marriage is challenging, if not down right difficult at times.

In fact, the number one reason people seek the help of a counselor is due to distress in a close relationship.

Although marital difficulty doesn't necessarily lead to divorce, it's good to know how to recognize the warningsigns.

What relationship factors predict divorce?

According to Dr. John Gottman's marriage research, the following were characteristic of couples who divorced.

• In unhappy couples, partners still made many bids for attention, closeness, or reassurance. However, they only responded to each other's bids 33% of the time.

• Wives raised issues harshly and tended to make generalized statements, such as "You never ...," "You always ...," or "What's wrong with you?"
  

• Unhappy husbands got upset more easily (as indicated by heart rate, breathing, etc.) during arguments and had a harder time calming down.

• As a result, husbands tended to shut down and become as blank as a wall or to withdraw from their wives.

• Sometimes, wives shut down and/or withdrew. It was particularly disastrous if the wife was the one to withdraw.

• In short, when arguments started with a harsh comment, 94% of the time they only got worse!

Trapped in a Cycle

Before they realize what's happened to them, many couples develop an unhealthy cycle of interactions. This cycle usually begins early in the relationship and intensifies over time as the couple has more at stake.

An unhealthy cycle of interaction includes one or more of the following as a regular part of the relationship:

Criticism - launching an attack on your partner by questioning his or her character, intelligence, and/or abilities

Stonewalling - withdrawing and/or refusing to respond to your partner

Defensiveness - reactively attacking for self-protection

Contempt - this one is particularly toxic (Couples who express this — verbally or nonverbally — rarely do well.)

Relationship Repair

The good news from research:

Dr. Gottman found that 83% of newlyweds who criticized, stonewalled, and/or made defensive attacks were able to stabilize their marriages over time if ...

… they learned how to make adequate repairs of the damage after the fight.

Proverbs 15:1

A gentle answer turns away wrath,
but a harsh word stirs up anger.

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If you and your partner would like to learn how to repair your relationship,
give us a call at 714-865-2164. We're here to help.

If you reside outside the Los Angeles-Orange County area,
you may be able to find the help you need in
the CPR Directory of Christian Therapists.

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Our Next Topic: "The Power of Emotion "

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Note: All information provided on this website is for general informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for a professional evaluation. If you are experiencing emotional distress, please contact a mental health professional.