The Power of Expectations

Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
But a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.
(Proverbs 13:12)

“Expectations are profoundly powerful, as they reflect what we long for and how we wish things would be” (Stanley et al., 2002, p. 138).

Expectations & Hidden Issues

Each person enters a relationship with certain expectations based on his or her beliefs and values. It would be great if the couple could acknowledge their expectations and talk about them. However, most of expectations and issues lie hidden, that is, until a partner bumps into them! Reactions are often immediate and intense, and can seem to "come out of the blue."

According to Stanley et al. (2002), some of the major problems that arise include issues and expectations regarding power, caring, recognition, commitment, and integrity.

The issue of power includes expectations about how decisions will be made, and about how control will be shared or not shared. Money and sex are often used as tools to gain power in a relationship. No wonder they provide the content for so many arguments!

The issue of caring includes expectations about how your partner should show that he or she loves you. This one is often based on the belief that your partner "should know" without being told what you need in terms of affection. Individual differences are vast, and unfortunately, mind-reading is not usually covered in premarital counseling. In short, how will he know unless you tell him?

The issue of recognition includes expectations about how your partner should respond to who you are and what you do. Couples can easily get locked into a competition about who contributes most to the relationship (or family), each trying to convince the other that his or her contribution is greater. Everyone wants to feel appreciated and valued.

The issue of commitment includes expectations about how long the relationship should continue and, most importantly, about safety from abandonment. One of the biggest impediments to couple's counseling is an underlying fear that one's partner will leave. The bottom line: "If you're not committed to me, how can I risk being honest with you about my thoughts and feelings?"

The issue of integrity includes expectations about being trusted and respected. Despite our shortcomings, we all believe that deep inside we're really pretty good people. How do you see your partner? Do you treat him or her with respect? Do you see the "image of God" reflected in your partner? Do you trust him or her to do what's right?

The Sources of Our Expectations

Where and how do we develop our values and our expectations? We base them on our own family experiences, previous relationships, our culture (television and the movies contribute a lot here), and our religious/spiritual beliefs.

What to Do About Your Expectations

First, you have to be aware of them, which may require a bit more self-reflection.

Second, ask yourself if your expectations are reasonable. In other words, is it humanly possible or is divinity required?

Third, be clear and let your partner know what you want. Remember that he or she always has the right to say no.

Finally, be open to dialogue, not only with your partner, but also with God. You may be right to stick to your expectations, but this may also be a great opportunity for you to grow!