Forgiveness

Forgiveness is often misunderstood in conservative circles. During the past decade or so, Christian psychologists have studied forgiveness from both theological and psychological perspectives. Most would agree that forgiveness is not only a theological decision, but also a psychological process with a number of distinct stages that have been compared to stages of the grieving process.

We tend to layer our feelings as a means of self-protection from additional harm, and forgiveness is frequently a process of “working through” these layers. For some, forgiveness is accomplished through the spiritual disciplines (prayer, meditation, solitude, etc.). For others, it may require work with a professional Christian counselor who not only understands how difficult forgiveness can be, but who also knows how to get them “unstuck” and moving forward in the process. Both require the intimate guidance of the Holy Spirit.

God has also given us the ability to remember as a means of self-protection (e.g., when we touch a hot stove and get burned, we remember not to touch it again). However, remembering has a “flip side” as well, in that we often need to work through the forgiveness process multiple times. Be encouraged: It does get easier and less painful, especially as you grow in understanding the process. Dr. Louis Smedes (1996; Fuller Theological Seminary) wrote a very readable book (available in paperback) on this topic: Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve.

Anyone struggling with unforgiveness needs (and deserves) someone to help them work through this very painful process. If you're feeling stuck and would like to schedule a confidential appointment, please call 714-865-2164.

Sugar & Spice

Remember this poem?

What are little girls made of?
Sugar and spice and everything nice
That's what little girls are made of!

Cathy grew up dreaming of the perfect world. Pretty dresses. A castle. A handsome prince ...

While they were dating, Mark fit the handsome-prince role perfectly. He was charming and thoughtful, and loved surprising Cathy with little gifts. And, of course, Christmastime was the best! Everything he put under the tree for her was perfect. It was as though he’d kept detailed notes about all the things she’d talked about throughout the year.

He certainly wasn’t like her father who never seemed to be around when she needed him. There was no doubt that her dad had always been a great provider, working his way to the top of his company, which occupied most of his time and energy.

For as long as Cathy remembered, her mother had complained that she felt like a single parent from the beginning. Even so, her mother blamed herself for her dad’s lack of involvement with the family. She was always upbeat, cajoling, trying to entice him to do things with the family.

Cathy felt it, too. It was as though she wasn’t important to her dad. When she was little, she tried her best to be cute and funny to get his attention. Sometimes it worked. Sometimes it didn’t. She could never figure out why.

But her Mark was different! At last she had all the attention a woman could hope for. He often said—and demonstrated—that his world revolved around her.

Reflecting on their first night in their new home after the honeymoon, Cathy was still shocked by Mark’s lack of responsiveness. All she’d asked was that he turn off the TV and go to sleep. He’d acted as though he didn’t even hear her!

So she turned on the charm. Nothing. She became more vocal—still with no response. Moving to the living room was her most dramatic ploy. He was supposed to feel bad and follow her, but he didn’t.

She didn’t know what to do. The sugar-and-spice routine had failed again, and she couldn’t . . . (read more)