Issues & Events

It's not about money,
it's not about careers,

it's not about housework,
it's not really about
his leaving the toilet seat up.
The real issues are deeper
and more elusive.

(Stanley et al., 2002, p. 119)

The graphic below illustrates the concepts presented in Chapter 6 of A Lasting Promise (with the added "bottom line" based on attachment theory).

The Power of Emotion

Communicating Safely and Clearly

Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry. (James 1:19)

Many of the biggest arguments you will have together may begin with a simple anger-provoking misunderstanding about what your partner is saying.

Filters affect what we say, what we hear, how we interpret things, and how we respond. Some common filters are:

• inattention
• beliefs and expectations
• differences in style
• self-protection
• emotional states

The Power of Emotion

The principle function of emotion is to communicate (to oneself and others) the current state of affairs.

Our partner is so important to us that signs of distress can immediately trigger intense feelings that are not unlike how you feel when you're standing on the edge of a cliff with your toes hanging over the side.

Our fear does what God intended for it to do. It triggers the fight-flight-or-freeze response and blocks out anything that doesn't offer a pathway for escape to safety.

Are marriages a haven of safety?

Not always. However, structure can help you keep your partner safe. There is a direct relationship between risk and intimacy in marriage.

There is no fear in love, but perfect love drive out fear,
because fear has to do with punishment. (1 John 4:18)

The Rules (See A Lasting Promise.)

for Both of you ...

1. The speaker has the floor.
2. Share the floor.
3. No problem solving

for the Speaker ...

1. Speak for yourself.
2. Talk in small chunks.
3. Stop and let the Listener paraphrase.

for the Listener ...

1. Paraphrase what you hear.
2. Don't rebut. Focus on the Speaker's message.

Advantages of the Speaker-Listener Technique

Using the technique helps prevent communication problems with:

• escalation
• invalidation
• pursuing and withdrawing
• filters

If you and your partner are having difficulty using the Speaker-Listener Technique, give us a call. We're here to help. 714-865-2164

Predicting Divorce

Reality Check

We know that the first marriage wasn't always a Garden-of-Eden experience, right? The first couple had their share of problems (see Genesis 3 and beyond), and contemporary couples do, too.

It usually doesn't take long for couples to figure out that marriage is challenging, if not down right difficult at times.

In fact, the number one reason people seek the help of a counselor is due to distress in a close relationship.

Although marital difficulty doesn't necessarily lead to divorce, it's good to know how to recognize the warningsigns.

What relationship factors predict divorce?

According to Dr. John Gottman's marriage research, the following were characteristic of couples who divorced.

• In unhappy couples, partners still made many bids for attention, closeness, or reassurance. However, they only responded to each other's bids 33% of the time.

• Wives raised issues harshly and tended to make generalized statements, such as "You never ...," "You always ...," or "What's wrong with you?"
  

• Unhappy husbands got upset more easily (as indicated by heart rate, breathing, etc.) during arguments and had a harder time calming down.

• As a result, husbands tended to shut down and become as blank as a wall or to withdraw from their wives.

• Sometimes, wives shut down and/or withdrew. It was particularly disastrous if the wife was the one to withdraw.

• In short, when arguments started with a harsh comment, 94% of the time they only got worse!

Trapped in a Cycle

Before they realize what's happened to them, many couples develop an unhealthy cycle of interactions. This cycle usually begins early in the relationship and intensifies over time as the couple has more at stake.

An unhealthy cycle of interaction includes one or more of the following as a regular part of the relationship:

Criticism - launching an attack on your partner by questioning his or her character, intelligence, and/or abilities

Stonewalling - withdrawing and/or refusing to respond to your partner

Defensiveness - reactively attacking for self-protection

Contempt - this one is particularly toxic (Couples who express this — verbally or nonverbally — rarely do well.)

Relationship Repair

The good news from research:

Dr. Gottman found that 83% of newlyweds who criticized, stonewalled, and/or made defensive attacks were able to stabilize their marriages over time if ...

… they learned how to make adequate repairs of the damage after the fight.

Proverbs 15:1

A gentle answer turns away wrath,
but a harsh word stirs up anger.

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If you and your partner would like to learn how to repair your relationship,
give us a call at 714-865-2164. We're here to help.

If you reside outside the Los Angeles-Orange County area,
you may be able to find the help you need in
the CPR Directory of Christian Therapists.

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Our Next Topic: "The Power of Emotion "

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Note: All information provided on this website is for general informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for a professional evaluation. If you are experiencing emotional distress, please contact a mental health professional.