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Dr. Debi Smith

Loving One Another

“Learning to love others authentically, and in ways that matter to them, is one of the best things anyone can do.”
~ Dr. John Townsend, Loving People

If you think about it, a lot has been written about how to love one another. So we have to wonder why do we do it so poorly. One reason is that we may feel caught between (a) our own hurt or anger and (b) our concern for the other person.

For example, have you ever had someone not show up on time? As you waited, your thoughts probably changed from wondering where he was to wondering what was keeping him to being angry to worrying that something had bad happened to him.

By the time he finally appears, you don’t know which of your feelings to respond to. Should you be happy? Angry? Relieved? You didn’t know whether to throw your arms around him or yell at him!

Which response would you choose? Actually, all those feelings ... Read more.

The Number One Problem

Mark and Cathy are really no different than many other couples. Their problems started early in their relationship: right after their honeymoon.

Cathy brought up an issue of concern for her, and Mark felt criticized. He was quiet, not because he didn’t care, but because he felt the sting of her words and didn’t know what to say.

Cathy felt the sting, too. When Mark ignored her, she felt like he just didn’t care. She finally gave up and withdrew, hoping that Mark would see how badly she felt.

Cathy was the “pursuer,” and Mark was the “withdrawer.” When Cathy gave up on talking to Mark, she also withdrew. When both partners withdraw, neither one is available to the other, making it impossible work on the relationship. Read more.

Dealing With Conflict

Before they realize what's happened to them, many couples develop an unhealthy cycle of interactions including criticism, stonewalling, defensiveness, and/or contempt. Even so, Dr. John Gottman's research found that 83% of newlyweds who criticized, stonewalled, and/or made defensive attacks were able to stabilize their marriages over time if they learned how to make adequate repairs of the damage after the fight.

Take the Dealing With Conflict Quiz to find out how you're doing on this important dimension.