Forgiveness

Forgiveness is often misunderstood in conservative circles. During the past decade or so, Christian psychologists have studied forgiveness from both theological and psychological perspectives. Most would agree that forgiveness is not only a theological decision, but also a psychological process with a number of distinct stages that have been compared to stages of the grieving process.

We tend to layer our feelings as a means of self-protection from additional harm, and forgiveness is frequently a process of “working through” these layers. For some, forgiveness is accomplished through the spiritual disciplines (prayer, meditation, solitude, etc.). For others, it may require work with a professional Christian counselor who not only understands how difficult forgiveness can be, but who also knows how to get them “unstuck” and moving forward in the process. Both require the intimate guidance of the Holy Spirit.

God has also given us the ability to remember as a means of self-protection (e.g., when we touch a hot stove and get burned, we remember not to touch it again). However, remembering has a “flip side” as well, in that we often need to work through the forgiveness process multiple times. Be encouraged: It does get easier and less painful, especially as you grow in understanding the process. Dr. Louis Smedes (1996; Fuller Theological Seminary) wrote a very readable book (available in paperback) on this topic: Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve.

Anyone struggling with unforgiveness needs (and deserves) someone to help them work through this very painful process. If you're feeling stuck and would like to schedule a confidential appointment, please call 714-865-2164.

Sugar & Spice

Remember this poem?

What are little girls made of?
Sugar and spice and everything nice
That's what little girls are made of!

Cathy grew up dreaming of the perfect world. Pretty dresses. A castle. A handsome prince ...

While they were dating, Mark fit the handsome-prince role perfectly. He was charming and thoughtful, and loved surprising Cathy with little gifts. And, of course, Christmastime was the best! Everything he put under the tree for her was perfect. It was as though he’d kept detailed notes about all the things she’d talked about throughout the year.

He certainly wasn’t like her father who never seemed to be around when she needed him. There was no doubt that her dad had always been a great provider, working his way to the top of his company, which occupied most of his time and energy.

For as long as Cathy remembered, her mother had complained that she felt like a single parent from the beginning. Even so, her mother blamed herself for her dad’s lack of involvement with the family. She was always upbeat, cajoling, trying to entice him to do things with the family.

Cathy felt it, too. It was as though she wasn’t important to her dad. When she was little, she tried her best to be cute and funny to get his attention. Sometimes it worked. Sometimes it didn’t. She could never figure out why.

But her Mark was different! At last she had all the attention a woman could hope for. He often said—and demonstrated—that his world revolved around her.

Reflecting on their first night in their new home after the honeymoon, Cathy was still shocked by Mark’s lack of responsiveness. All she’d asked was that he turn off the TV and go to sleep. He’d acted as though he didn’t even hear her!

So she turned on the charm. Nothing. She became more vocal—still with no response. Moving to the living room was her most dramatic ploy. He was supposed to feel bad and follow her, but he didn’t.

She didn’t know what to do. The sugar-and-spice routine had failed again, and she couldn’t . . . (read more)

Different Worldviews

No, Mark and Cathy are not from different planets. However, their biological differences (nature) and the impact of their respective life experiences (nurture) have resulted in very different ways of looking at the world … and at their relationships.

It’s what you say that counts: Women were taught to talk openly about their feelings when they were little girls, so it’s not surprising that 80% of relationship issues are brought up by women. They often spent school recess sharing secrets with their “best” friend. Feeling close and being able to trust each other is the hallmark of female friendship.

Virtually everything women say – no matter how confusing it might seem to their partners – is an attempt to find emotional connection. (Yes, they may often be extremely vague and indirect.) It’s what they were taught.

It’s what you do that counts: Men learned a different way of developing friendships. As boys, they spent recess running around in “herds,” playing anything that meant lots of action, and trying to one-up each other. Don’t be a girl! Never let ‘em see ya sweat!

It’s no wonder ... (read more)

Mark's Story

Mark’s experience was quite different than Cathy’s. (For Cathy's story, please read After the Honeymoon.) Although their honeymoon had been totally amazing, he was glad to be home from Paris. For years, one of his favorite end-of-the-day routines had been to grab a quick snack and head to the bedroom for some late-night TV. When his stomach was full and he’d wound down from the day, he’d flip off the TV and drift effortlessly to sleep.

When Cathy came in that first night at home demanding that he turn off the television, he was confused. Her mood seemed to come out of nowhere, and he ... (read more)

After the Honeymoon

After 14 years of marriage, Mark and Cathy have separated. Mark is having an affair. Cathy is miserable and doesn’t know what to do. She’s tried so hard to make her marriage work and, through her tears, she wonders where things went so terribly wrong.

She doesn’t remember it now. It happened so long ago, just after she and Mark returned from their amazing honeymoon in Paris. They’d had a wonderful first day in their new home. Late that evening, Cathy brushed her teeth and walked into their bedroom where Mark was sitting in bed, flipping through channels on the TV and crunching pretzels. Cathy was still exhausted from the trip. She yawned and crawled between the covers, hoping Mark would get the hint and . . .
(read more)

The Box

My dentist has a poster on the ceiling at his office. He put it there so his patients would have something to look at while they’re in the chair.

I think about it sometimes because it reminds me of myself. It’s a picture of a tiny kitten looking up helplessly from the bottom of large cardboard box. The caption reads,

“I’m much better at getting myself into things than I am at getting myself out of them.”

Maybe you can identify? Isaiah put it this way, "We all, like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way…." (53:6a)

Kittens, sheep, people. Sometimes there’s not much difference. No one plans to get himself or herself into a pickle (sorry…I like to mix metaphors), yet we all do at one time or another.

Many couples start backing themselves into The Box early in their relationship. Something happens and� ... (read more)

The Blame Game

Jesus is a gentle person. Everything he said and did here on earth was filled with compassion and grace. Yes, he was straightforward when he spoke the truth, yet his kindness toward us always came through (see John 3:17).

The Lord sees your heart. He’s watched you play the Blame Game, and he has something much, much better in mind for you. Read more...

Wondering what to give your partner this Christmas?

How about a Merry Relationship with YOU? Receive a 20% Discount on our Christmas Couples Special now through December 21.

If your partner has suggested couples counseling in the past and you just haven't got around to it yet, this will be a wonderful Christmas suprise! Click here for more information.

Another Love Story

We think you'll enjoy the following love story from Gimundo:

"Last week, Patrick Moberg was riding the New York City subway from Union Square to Bowling Green when he spotted her across the row: The girl of his dreams.

"As he watched the beautiful girl write in her journal, he knew he that if he didn't work up the courage to speak to her, he'd always wonder what could have been. But when the train stopped, a crowd of people rushed between them before he could reach her.

"'We made eye contact, really solid eye contact . . . and, right when the words were going to leave my mouth, she was off the train,' Moberg, a 21-year-old web designer, told Australia's The Age.

"More than 8 million people make their homes in New York City. Chances were, Moberg would never see the girl again. But he decided to try anyway.

"That night, he created a website: www.nygirlofmydreams.com. The site featured details about the subway car's journey, and a drawing of the young woman he'd seen, with rosy cheeks, blue shorts, and a flower tucked behind her ear. It also included a portrayal of Moberg himself – with the words "not insane" beside his head, for those who might assume otherwise.

"Moberg passed the website address along to everyone he knew – but when the New York Post caught wind of his story, thousands of new viewers checked the site, hoping they could help track down his mystery woman.

"Amazingly, within less than 2 days, the website worked: A friend of Moberg's "dream girl" recognized 22-year-old Australian Camille Hayton from his drawing, and put the two of them in touch. They met for coffee over the weekend.

"Unfortunately, reporters didn't have a chance to tag along on the date, so we have no idea how it went. As Moberg said on his website, "unlike all the romantic comedies and bad pop songs, you'll have to make up your own ending for this."

"Here's hoping it's a happy one!"

Mind Reading

Below are the notes from last week's class. (The KEY is online.)

Dumb Attitude #5: “My Lover Should Read My Mind”

Women talk in _________. Men listen in ________.

Men are usually waiting for the ______________. For women, it’s about the ________ of relationship. If you short-circuit the ________, she may begin to feel like it’s not _______ to share her thoughts and feelings. (Sometimes, it’s the other way around.)

Lifeline #21 In good relationships, talking is _______ and _________. “An honest answer is like a ____________________ ” (Proverbs 24:26).

Lifeline #22 _______ and ________ can—and must—go together to preserve your connection, and acting on the following tips for connecting first with grace can help.

1. __________ you partner first.
2. Listen to your partner’s perspective before _______________.
3. Listen to your own ___________ in what you are saying.
4. Affirm that the issue you’re talking about is _______________ of your relationship.
5. Take a ______________.
6. Don’t use ___________ language.
7. Keep the ___________ in mind.
8. Listen and ____________ your partner’s perspective.
   

Lifeline #23 Begin with the ________ in mind: knowing and understanding one another more.

Lifeline #24 You can’t _________ someone you don’t _______. The more you _________, the more you’ll know.

Lifeline #25 The more effective you become at stopping the _________ that block your communication, the more effective you’ll be in finding each other’s _____________.

In this week's class, we'll be talking about "Fighting Fair."

If you are unable to join us in class, you can order the book and follow along with us online. You may also want to consider other books from our Recommended Reading List.

From This Day Forward

Do you know an engaged couple? You can help them get their marriage off to a great start by letting them know about our Premarital Counseling program!

At OCCC, we believe Premarital Counseling should be more than deciding who’ll take out the trash and who’ll do the dishes. Getting a marriage off to a great start means facing the challenges head on, especially those that many engaged couples often fail to recognize. Our personalized, experiential approach is designed to provide the tools that will help your friends create and keep a more loving, safe, and satisfying relationship.

Call 714-865-2164 and ask about our Special Premarital Package.

Understanding Men
Saturdays 10:30am - 11:45am

Do you have a hard time understanding the man in your life? This information and discussion group focuses on more effective ways to relate to your partner to help you both have a more satisfying relationship. This new group, for women only, is now forming. Please call 714-865-2164 for details.

For more information, please feel free to call:

Dr. Debi Smith
Licensed Psychologist PSY21711
Director, OC Christian Counseling Associates
714-865-2164

Note: All information provided is for general informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for a professional evaluation. If you are experiencing emotional distress, please contact a mental health professional.

Hurting Each Other

Below are the notes from last week's class. (The KEY is available online.)

Dumb Attitude #4: “My Lover Should Never Hurt Me”

"A new command I give you: _____________. As I have loved you, so you must _____________. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you _____________." John 13:34-35

It’s easy to love someone who makes you feel good. As wonderful as he or she is, your partner will ________ at times, and it’s going to hurt.

Your ________ and ________ can go a long way toward making a reconnection that will bring about attachment, intimacy, and positive feelings toward one another.

People set themselves up for failure by expecting a good marriage to be one without pain, and that expectation comes in at least three forms.

• The wish for a _____________
• The wish for a _____________
• The wish to make up for _____________
  

Lifeline #16 The trials of your relationship can build your ________ and make your ________ stronger.

Discussion Topic: Can you recognized when someone’s setting a trap for his or her partner by asking a “loaded” question? Give specific examples.

Lifeline #17 Love brings us closer to ________ and to ________. It keeps us alive and growing.

Lifeline #18 Rescue your love life by totally ________ and ________ every aspect of each other without ________.

Lifeline #19 When your love connection brings out the worst in you, you’re ________. Work through it together with ________ and ________.

Lifeline #20 When temptation knocks (appears), it’s a ________, so don’t ________________! Don’t be a lone ________. Stay on the path with the rest of the ________.

In this week's class, we'll be talking about "Mind Reading." If you are unable to join us in class, you can order the book and follow along with us online. You may also want to consider other books from our Recommended Reading List.

Looking for Help in So Cal?

Life isn't going as you planned. You and your partner are on different pages, and no matter what you do, things just keep getting worse between you. It's frustrating and often painful, and sometimes you wonder if it's worth it anymore.

Ongoing problems don't necessarily mean you should end the relationship. It is possible to break free of negative patterns and create a more satisfying relationship for you both.

At OC Christian Couples, we strive to make therapy affordable for every couple who has a sincere desire to grow. Those who cannot pay the full fee, may apply for a fee reduction.

Research shows that extended sessions (75 minutes, instead of the usual 45) are more productive, and that most couples experience a significant improvement after 8 to 20 sessions. At the beginning of therapy, you will receive a thorough assessment of your relationship including couple and individual interviews, as well as a detailed evaluation of your interpersonal dynamics.

Our marriage education programs and couples counseling are based on sound biblical principles and scientific research, and our nonjudgmental approach reflects our desire to understand and support you and your partner ...no matter where you are in the process of your relationship.

Understanding Men

Do you have a hard time understanding the man in your life? This psychoeducational group focuses on more effective ways to communicate with your partner to help you both have a more satisfying relationship. This new Saturday Morning Group, for women only, is now forming. Please call 714-865-2164 for details and cost.

Perfectionism

Below are the notes from last week's class. The KEY is available online.
Dumb Attitude #3: “My Lover Should Be Perfect for Me”

For better ____ for worse: Marriage isn’t a lifelong visit to __________!

Lifeline #11 Remember that the ______ person doesn’t exist. It is possible to live happily—although imperfectly—ever after!

Discussion Topic: How do we balance _____ and _____ in our relationships? What do the following phrases mean to you?

• Being for your spouse
• Being for your relationship

Lifeline #12 Acknowledge your need for _____.

Brainstorm: Who do you see your spouse becoming? Discuss your hopes for each other in regard to your goals for:

Spiritually
Emotionally
Mentally
Professionally

Lifeline #13 Life isn’t about settling for the status quo. Relationships can provide the groundwork for growing and becoming better than we are now.

Lifeline #14 Embrace your _____. Without them, one of you wouldn’t be necessary!

Discussion Topic: What keeps you from freely and consistently giving your spouse the gift of “simply being _____ ”?

Lifeline #15 Even during conflict, find ways to make yourselves _____, not _____.

_____ are better than _____,
because they have a good return for their work:
If one falls down,
his friend can help him up.
But pity the man who falls
and has no one to help him up!
Also, if two lie down together, they will keep _____.
But how can one keep _____ alone?
Though one may be overpowered,
two can _____ themselves.
A cord of _____ strands is not quickly broken.
(Ecclesiates 4:9-12)

In this week's class, we'll be talking about "Hurting Each Other."
If you are unable to join us in class, you can order the book and follow along with us online. You may also want to consider other books from our Recommended Reading List.

Being Happy

Here are the notes from last week's class. (The KEY is available online.)

Dumb Attitude #2: "My Lover Should Make Me Happy"

Rejoice in __________ always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your __________ be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be __________ about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy— __________ about such things. (Philippians 4:4-8)

Discussion Topic: Why do so many people enter marriage with the very popular “dumb attitude” that their spouses should make them happy?

Discussion Topic: Name two or more settings and contexts that could help foster your growth as a couple. Name two or more settings and contexts that could help foster your growth as an individual.

Lifeline 6: Kiss the fantasy of the __________ marriage good-bye. Pour ecstasy and completeness into your partner. Take ownership of your own __________.

Lifeline 7: You can keep your love life on course by NOT _________ when your wishes are not met and by working to meet each other’s real __________.

Lifeline 8: Preserve your connection with healthy doses of love, honesty, support, feedback, and __________.

Lifeline 9: Love is a choice. Freely choose to deny yourself those things that would be an __________ to the love you both want.

Lifeline 10: Consider the cost. A truly __________ relationship, in view of the “returns” you each receive, will be well worth the cost.

If you are unable to join us in class, you can order the book and follow along with us online. You may also want to consider other books from our Recommended Reading List.

In this week's class, we'll be talking about "Perfectionism."

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Are You Married? Engaged? Dating?

We understand your commitment to your faith and to your relationship, and we're here to help. Our programs and services are based on sound biblical principles and scientific research to help you develop the healthy relationship that God intends for you to have.

Choosing the right therapist is important to you both! We offer a free half-hour consultation so that you and your partner can decide together if the therapist is the right person to help you improve your relationship. Read more...

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For more info, call: 714-865-2164

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Note: All information provided is for general informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for a professional evaluation. If you are experiencing emotional distress, please contact a mental health professional.

Choosing the right therapist is important to you both!

Did you know that many therapists have little or no training in couples therapy? If you're looking for couples counseling (premarital or marital), be sure to find out what couples training the therapist has received. If his or her training is not posted on a website or in other printed material, just make a phone call and ask.

It’s even better to ask if the therapist offers a free consultation. During the consultation, you can decide together if he or she is the right person to help with your relationship. It could save you a lot of time and money and frustration!

If you're looking for Christian couples counseling in Southern California, click here.

If you live outside Southern California, please visit Christian Psychology Resources to find a therapist near you.

Rescuing Your Love Life: Making Changes

We hope you and your partner can join marriage educator Dr. Debi Smith for our new Fall Couples Seminar, Rescuing Your Love Life: Lifelines & Guidelines. Based on the book by best-selling Christian authors, Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, this class will give you 40 practical, irresistible ways to eliminate the things we do every day to sink our most cherished relationship. Here’s your chance to grab hold of real, workable solutions to the frustrations and disappointments that so many relationships face!

Here are the notes from last week's class. (The KEY is available online.)

Dumb Attitude #1: “My Lover Should Make Some Changes”

Why do you look at the ______ of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the ______ in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the _____ out of your eye,' when all the time there is a _______ in your own eye? (Matthew 7:3-4)

Growing marriages are made up of ______________ people.

In a dysfunctional family, people are too concerned with __________ other people, and not concerned with making sure they are on the right track themselves.

In happy relationships, about ____% of complaints come from female partner. However, they raise issues gently and bring them up sooner rather than later. These women don’t ___ .

In addition, their male partners are willing to be ________________ by them and are willing to change their behavior.

Couple Exercise: Define intimacy. ___________________________

Lifeline 1: Change your own ________. Be willing to work on _________ first. Expect ____ things to happen.

Dependency is an important part of being _____. However, dependency causes problems in adulthood when you need another person to make you feel ______ about yourself. The goal of a healthy relationship is to ____ as partners in life.

Lifeline 2: Don’t get down on yourself if you have _________ problems. Realize that the time has come to ____ forward.

Lifeline 3: Facing your immaturity is a ______ thing to do—and it’s the first step in overcoming it.

Lifeline 4: No one is _______, and no relationship is _______ . When you resolve the underlying issues, you should see great _______.

Lifeline 5: Be an agent for ______ and ______________. Ask yourself (on a regular basis), “Is what I’m about to say or do going to help us ____ as individuals and as a couple?”

If you are unable to join us in class, you can order the book and follow along with us online. You may also want to consider other books from our Recommended Reading List.

This week we'll be talking about "Being Happy."

Look for the notes online soon!

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Note: All information provided is for general informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for a professional evaluation. If you are experiencing emotional distress, please contact a mental health professional.

Authentic Manhood

“…manhood is more than a hormonal or an anatomical matter. Manhood is a way of thinking, being, and functioning. It is a social statement of who I am and who others think me to be. It is an issue of role. What place do I have in the community, and how am I valued in that position? Who am I in contrast to women?

“I suggest that men invest an inordinate amount of time worrying over the genuineness of their manhood. It is an aspect of self-confidence that may in fact gnaw at most of us until the day we die. What mental energy is expended on this one issue alone!” (When Men Think Private Thoughts, MacDonald, 1996, p. 9)

Becoming Attached

“…the great promise of attachment theory has been the prospect of finally answering some of the fundamental questions of human emotional life…. Perhaps its most startling and controversial claim is that insecure attachment, which shows up at twelve months, is predictive of behavior not only at three, five, seven, or fourteen years of age—which has been well established in research—but also at twenty, thirty, and seventy, as people make romantic choices, parent their own children, get into marital squabbles, and face the loneliness of old age. Equally important, attachment researchers have attempted to show how insecure patterns of attachment can change, whether in childhood, as adjustments are made in the family, or later, as the adult attempts to work through his early experiences.” (Becoming Attached, Karen, 1998, p. 7).

Relational Freedom...One Step at a Time

Let relationship experts Drs. Henry Cloud & John Townsend help you to develop healthy, godly, and satisfying relationships. Solutions at Mariners Church in Irvine, CA, offers practical tools for handling issues that are common to all relationships and to people of all ages.

Join us as we look at Relational Freedom…One Step at a Time

October 8: Step I - Guilt Free Living
Our conscience was designed to lead us toward good choices and help us treat others well. When our conscience fires off the wrong messages, we can be harsh or over reactive. What we end up with is guilt. Guilt will put you in jail, far from relational freedom. Join us and discover the healthy alternative to guilt.

October 15: Step II - Sorry is Not Enough

"I am sorry." We've all said this and we've heard these words from others. It's the right thing to say when someone has been hurt or offended. Have you thought of where "I am sorry" comes from? What motivates it, and is it for the right reason? Join us to understand the deeper message of "I am sorry", it's essential if you are going to experience true relational freedom.

October 22: Step III - Name It and Claim It

Are you familiar with "name it and claim it" theology? It goes like this, just name what you want, claim it as yours and it will appear. While this doesn't work with most things, it does work with having a better relationship. Learn how to name what's going on in your relationships and how to do the work to claim the connection you desire.

October 29: Step IV - Please Release Me!

You don't have to be in jail to have a real feeling of being trapped. We struggle to get free, but can't seem to pull it off. We may not even know where this feeling comes from yet it spills over into our relationships, keeping us from being open and free. This bad feeling comes from within and often it's about us judging ourselves too harshly. Join us to find the answers that will "release you" from that bad feeling that has been interfering with your relationships.

November 5: Step V - Pardoned by Love

Still feeling stuck in finding relational freedom? It could be due to another attitude, one that has to do with someone from your past. While often justified, these feelings may be keeping you from experiencing love and connection. In this last topic on relational freedom learn how to pardon someone from your past to be free and fully enjoy your relationships in the present.

No need to register - just show up - admission is free!

Rescuing Your Love Life

This course for couples, offered by Dr. Debi Smith, will take place September 19 - November 14, Wednesdays from 7:00 - 8:15 pm, in the Family Life Center. Here's your chance to grab hold of real, workable solutions to the frustrations and disappointments that so many marriages face! OCWC provides FREE childcare. Register online.

Marriage & Family Mediation

“Separation, divorce, finances and family disputes are not easy for anyone. The Marriage & Family Mediation Institute provides positive alternatives to the costly court process. We aim to stabilize relationships and assist family members in creating their own solutions.

“Through our carefully guided process, families are able to effectively resolve co-parenting, divorce, support, and custody issues. Our mediation approach is a "big picture" approach.

“We encourage total healthy life choices, and have a network of trusted Christian professionals such as counselors, therapists, financial advisors, accountants, realtors, mortgage brokers and others. Pastoral and spiritual support and accountability are highly encouraged.” more

Creative Covenant Marriage

"A Creative Covenant Marriage (C2 Marriage) is a life-long, eternal, public commitment between two believers. The marriage reflects the eternal covenant relationship God has offered to us: A 'lay down my life for you,' sacrificial, life-long commitment to be loved unconditionally. The C2 Marriage Agreement is designed to memorialize the unique marriage covenant between two believers. It help you make a game plan - an intentional strategy for building, maintaining and protecting a healthy, joy-filled marriage."

There's Nothing More Powerful

"Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. If anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself. Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else, for each one should carry his own load." (Galatians 6: 2-5)

There's nothing more powerful than a new relationship in stirring up old issues. Well, unless it's an existing relationship with old issues.

Why is that? Every person (since Adam and Eve, that is) has learned what life is all about based on their experiences with their parents. No parents are perfect, so we each arrive at adulthood with a somewhat skewed view of reality. We each believe our way is the right way. (When it's the other guy talking, we call him "egocentric.")

We do pretty well until... Read more

Lifelines & Guidelines

Rescuing Your Love Life
Sept 19 – Nov 14
Wednesdays, 7:00 pm – 8:15 pm
Orange County Worship Center
1440 E. Santa Clara Avenue
Santa Ana, CA 92705

This 9-week workshop led by Dr. Debi Smith, Christian marriage educator and couples counselor, is designed to provide you with 40 practical, irresistible ways to eliminate the things we do every day to sink our most cherished relationship. Here’s your chance to grab hold of real, workable solutions to the frustrations and disappointments that so many relationships face! Registration includes Rescue Your Love Life book and workbooks.

p.s. OCWC provides free activities for the kids, so there's no need to worry about childcare!

Free Online Videos

Christian psychologist and author, Dr. Henry Cloud, offers insights for about the realities of dating. View videos on the following topics:

Habits Affect Dating

Marriage Is Not For Desperate People

Dating is Not Exclusively About Marriage

Honestly Evaluate Yourself

Establish Healthy Boundaires in Dating

Obstacles in Dating

Am I Being Abused?

Despite what many may think, domestic violence does occur among Christians. Look over the following questions. Think about how you are being treated and how you treat your partner. Remember, when one person scares, hurts, or continually puts down the other person, it’s abuse.

Does your partner....

• Embarrass or make fun of you in front of your friends or family?
• Put down your accomplishments or goals?
• Make you feel like you are unable to make decisions?
• Use intimidation or threats to gain compliance?
• Tell you that you are nothing without them?
• Treat you roughly - grab, push, pinch, shove or hit you?
• Call you several times a night or show up to make sure you are where you said you would be?
• Use drugs or alcohol as an excuse for saying hurtful things or abusing you?
• Blame you for how they feel or act?
• Pressure you sexually for things you aren’t ready for?
• Make you feel like there "is no way out" of the relationship?
• Prevent you from doing things you want - like spending time with your friends or family?
• Try to keep you from leaving after a fight or leave you somewhere after a fight to "teach you a lesson"?
  

Do You...

• Sometimes feel scared of how your partner will act?
• Constantly make excuses to other people for your partner’s behavior?
• Believe that you can help your partner change if only you changed something about yourself?
• Try not to do anything that would cause conflict or make your partner angry?
• Feel like no matter what you do, your partner is never happy with you?
• Always do what your partner wants you to do instead of what you want?
• Stay with your partner because you are afraid of what your partner would do if you broke up?
  

If any of these are happening in your relationship, talk to someone. Without some help, the abuse will continue.

If you are still in the relationship:

• Think of a safe place to go if an argument occurs; avoid rooms with no exits (bathroom) or rooms with weapons (kitchen).
• Think about and make a list of safe people to call.
• Keep change with you at all times.
• Memorize all important numbers.
• Establish a code word or sign so that family, friends, teachers or coworkers know when to call for help.
• Think about what you will say to your partner if he or she becomes violent.
• Remember you have the right to live without fear and violence.
  

For more information, please visit Women Against Domestic Violence or The National Domestic Violence Hotline or call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) 1-800-787-3224 (TDD)

WARNING! Your computer saves a record of every website you visit. If you are being abused, you should delete these records so that your abuser does not know that you have visited these sites. Click here detailed instructions on how to do this.

More Than You've Ever Imagined

You can put an end to the datelessness. Starting today—right now—you can begin a journey that will bring fun and interesting people into your life, broaden your experience of others and yourself, and lead you toward that date of all dates—a date worth keeping. With over ten years of experience personally coaching singles on dating, Dr. Henry Cloud shares his proven, very doable, step-by-step approach to overcoming your sticking points and getting all the dates you could want. The results speak for themselves. Filled with true-life examples you’ll identify with instantly, How to Get a Date Worth Keeping will prove its worth to you many times over in the exciting months ahead.

Watch Dr. Cloud's video clip now.

Our New Look

Welcome to The Couple's Connection. Click here to sign up for our mailing list and receive our posts delivered to your mailbox!

Captivating

"Every little girl has dreams of being swept up into a great adventure, of being the beautiful princess. Sadly, when women grow up, they are often swept up into a life filled merely with duty and demands. Many Christian women are tired, struggling under the weight of the pressure to be a "good servant," a nurturing caregiver, or a capable home manager.

"What Wild at Heart did for men, Captivating is doing for women. Setting their hearts free. This groundbreaking book shows readers the glorious design of women before the fall, describes how the feminine heart can be restored, and casts a vision for the power, freedom, and beauty of a woman released to be all she was meant to be. By revealing the core desires every woman shares-to be romanced, to play an irreplaceable role in a grand adventure, and to unveil beauty-John and Stasi Eldredge invite women to recover their feminine hearts, created in the image of an intimate and passionate God. Further, they encourage men to discover the secret of a woman's soul and to delight in the beauty and strength women were created to offer."

Wild at Heart

"God designed men to be dangerous, says John Eldredge. Simply look at the dreams and desires written in the heart of every boy: To be a hero, to be a warrior, to live a life of adventure and risk. Sadly, most men abandon those dreams and desires-aided by a Christianity that feels like nothing more than pressure to be a "nice guy." It is no wonder that many men avoid church, and those who go are often passive and bored to death. In this provocative book, Eldredge gives women a look inside the true heart of a man and gives men permission to be what God designed them to be-dangerous, passionate, alive, and free."

And They Lived Happily Ever After?

eHarmony.com was founded by Christian psychologist, Dr. Neil Clark Warren. According to their website,

Exhaustive research with thousands of couples found that there are 29 Key Dimensions of Compatibility necessary for success in a long term relationship. eHarmony is the only relationship site that uses a scientifically proven method to match based on these 29 crucial dimensions.

However, a marriage involves much, much more than dating and wedding cakes!

Consequently, Christian psychologists, Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott, have partnered with Dr. Warren's enterprise to create eHarmony Marriage, "an online program designed to help you enjoy a stronger, healthier, and happier marriage."

Personalized Assistance

If you and your fiance or spouse could use some personalized, face-to-face help, just contact OC Christian Couples. We understand your commitment to your faith and to your relationship, and we’re here to help you grow!

Couples outside Southern California may search for a professional Christian couselor at ChristianPsychologyResources.com.

Beauty & the Beast

Need a little family-friendly comic relief? Watch this free video online or order the book from our bookstore.

Wedding Plans?

Have you visited the #1 wedding website with 3.2 million unique visitors a month? TheKnot.com is a great site to help you dream and plan Your Special Day. More than 3,000 new members join each day!

You'll also want to get your marriage off to a great start with a few session of professional premarital counseling. OC Christian Couples in Southern California provides a complete assessment of your relationship plus 6 to 8 sessions with a professional couples counselor to help you prevent problems before they can start! Call (714) 865-2164 to schedule your confidential appointment.

Love & Respect Quiz

Take the "Love & Respect Quiz," adapted from J. Gottman, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

Note: All information provided on this website is for general informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for a professional evaluation. If you are experiencing emotional distress, please contact a mental health professional.

What? You've never been to Movies on the Beach?

If you're looking for something a little bit different to do with your family this summer, consider visiting Newport Dunes Waterfront Resort and Marina. Each Friday and Saturday from May through September the resort offers free Movies on the Beach. "Brings the kids, lounge chairs, and treats to see movies for the whole family on our giant screen."

Can you get more "So Cal" than that??

Young at Heart

Looking for a great place to spend a summer evening?

2007 Pageant of the Masters
Where Art Comes To Life!
Laguna Beach, California

July 7th - August 31st, 2007, Gala Benefit Saturday, August 25th, 2007

This year's theme is "Young at Heart." Each night during the summer season at 8:30 the Festival of Arts presents its most famous attraction, the Pageant of the Masters: Ninety minutes of "living pictures" - incredibly faithful art re-creations of classical and contemporary works with real people posing to look exactly like their counterparts in the original pieces. An outdoor amphitheater, professional orchestra, original score, live narration, intricate sets, sophisticated lighting, expert staff, and hundreds of dedicated volunteers have won recognition for the Pageant as the best presentation of its kind.

Breaking the Idols of Your Heart

"In our thirst for significance we, like the Teacher in Ecclesiastes, give our lives our time, talents, strength, heart to anything we think will give us worth and purpose: Power. Relationships. Money. Pleasure. Work. But worshiping these idols has a high cost and still doesn't bring the fulfillment we long for.

"In Breaking the Idols of Your Heart, Dan Allender and Tremper Longman illuminate for us the Teacher's warnings and, after all his activities, his final radiant conclusion: Meaning and purpose come only when God is truly the center of our life and the object of our hope. Using a compelling fictional narrative at the start of each chapter to encourage reflection on our own life and the lives of family and friends, the authors lead us through Ecclesiastes to help us recognize and exchange cheap pursuits for the only One worth pursuing.

"Ecclesiastes is not an easy book to read, because transferring our worship from money, power and fame to God is not an easy road to travel. But as the Teacher discovered and wrote down for us, it leads to one conclusion: life lived abundantly, in freedom, hope, purpose, meaning."

Bad Couples Therapy

According to William J. Doherty (Psychotherapy Networker, November/December, 2002, 26-33),

Surveys indicate that about 80 percent of therapists in private practice do couples therapy. Where they got their training is a mystery, because most therapists practicing today never took a single course in couples therapy and did their internships without supervision from someone who had mastered the art. In other words, from a consumer point of view, coming in for couples therapy is like having your broken leg set by a doctor who skipped orthopedics in medical school.

... it’s not surprising that the only form of therapy that received low ratings in a famous national survey of therapy clients, published in 1996 by Consumers Reports, was couples therapy.

So if you're looking for couples counseling (premarital or marital), be sure to find out what couples training the therapist has received. If his or her training is not posted on a website or in other printed material, just make a phone call and ask! It could save you a lot of time and money and frustration.

The Glory of God

According to Dr. Dan Allender and Dr. Tremper Longman, authors of Intimate Allies,

Our spouses are representatives of God. We are called to delight in and to enhance one another's already present glory to the glory of God. Our only option in responding to our spouses is either to glorify or to degrade them. (p. 22)

Things to Do: Southern California, Part 1

How 'bout a picnic?

Great places to go:

El Matador State Beach
32100 Pacific Coast Highway
Malibu, CA

Angeles National Forest
Switzer Falls, Arroyo Secon Canyon

Mile Square Regional Park
16801 Euclid Avenue
Fountain Valley, CA

Great foods to go:

Julienne
2649 Mission Street
San Marino, CA

Joan's on Third
8350 W. Third Street
Los Angeles, CA

Picnics Fine Foods
435 E. 17th Street
Costa Mesa, CA

Loneliness

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work:
If one falls down, his friend can help him up.
But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!
Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
But how can one keep warm alone? (Ecclesiastes 4:9-11)

Unfortunately, both men and women are likely to experience loneliness from time to time, even in a marriage. Take the following quiz to see how well you're doing on this important factor.

Quiz Instructions: Rate your answers to each question using a number from 1 (strongly agree) to 4 (strongly disagree).

1. My relationship is a lot lonelier than I thought it would be.
   
2. We’re not as close as I wish we were.
3. I feel an emptiness in this relationship.
4. I often feel bored when we do things together.
5. I feel very restless and sad even when we’re together.
6. Lots of times I don’t know what to do with myself.
7. At times I feel bored and restless in this relationship.
8. I long for someone I can be close to.
9. I feel so lonely it hurts.
10. Something is missing from my relationship.
11. I wish people would call me more often.
12. I often wish I had someone to be with.
13. I don’t feel that I’m an important part of someone’s life.
14. I don’t feel that I belong to anyone.
15. I often feel emotionally isolated.
16. I feel abandoned in this relationship.
17. There is no one I can turn to.
18. I often feel left out.
19. No one knows me.
20. No one understands me.
21. There is often no one I can talk to.
22. I often feel a great need for companionship.
23. I have become very withdrawn in this relationship.
24. I feel disconnected.
    

Scoring Your Quiz: If you answered 1 or 2 to eight or more of the questions, you may have reached the end of a cascade of distance and isolation. Feeling lonely in a marriage makes you vulnerable to having an affair, if this hasn't happened already. Research also suggests that it makes you more likely to become ill, especially if you are male.

Reference: Adapted from J. Gottman, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

Recovering From an Extramarital Affair

According to marriage and family therapist, Dave Carder, "The most important motivator of any affair is the deep desire to be nurtured and loved unconditionally. That includes many components, such as touch, attitude, playfulness, romance, sex, and appreciation."

In his book, Torn Asunder, Dave writes, "Some adult children of parental affairs have huge agendas, or needs, that could never be met by any spouse -- and they bring them like baggage, into the marriage. If that description fits you and you are married, don't put off working on this issue any longer."

If you live in Southern California, OC Christian Couples is here to help you build the kind of relationship that will bring you lasting joy. If you live outside Southern California, please search the CPR Directory to find a professional counselor near you.

Recommended Reading

Much of what has been written for couples sounds good in theory, but lacks the support of scientific research. However, there are several great resources available.

Fortunately, Dr. Scott Stanley and his colleagues have done their homework. Their program, the Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program (PREP), "is one of the most comprehensive and well respected divorce-prevention/marriage enhancing programs in the world. PREP is a skills and principles-building curriculum designed to help partners say what they need to say, get to the heart of problems, and increase their connection with each other."

The folks at PREP recently launched a new program: Within My Reach.

"This new research-informed program seeks to help:

• Those in viable relationships, to cultivate, protect, and stabilize their union, including reaching for their dreams of eventually being married if they desire;


• Those in damaging relationships to leave safely; and/or


• Those who desire a romantic relationship and/or marriage in the future to choose partners wisely: to decide about, rather than slide through, major relationship transitions."

NOTE: To order Dr. Stanley's book, "A Lasting Promise," or for more recommendations, be sure to visit our new online Psychology Bookstore!

You've Got Me? Who's Got You?

Lois Lane screems as she hangs by one hand from the runner of a news helicopter teetering atop the Daily Planet building. Alas! She can hold on no longer and plunges downward toward the busy Metropolis street below.

Not to worry! Clark Kent rips open his buttoned-down shirt. Then Superman suddently swoops up from below and holds her safe in his arms. "I've got you," he reassures her.

Her puzzled response: "You've got me? Who's got you?"

That's a great question, and not just for Lois. Our culture's expectations for men are incredibly high. Men are expected to be able to solve just about any problem the world (or women) encounter. He is, indeed, a wonderful creation; but he's not God.

Superheroes, Past and Present

If you could be any person--real or fictional, past or present--who would you want to be?

We all look up to someone, but sometimes we don't give much thought to where we got our beliefs and values, especially when it comes to love and relationships. Our parents, for better or worse, provided us with an example of how things should be. We also get a lot of information from books and movies.

We've had superheros since the beginning of time.

We can learn a lot from superheros.

Adam & Eve

Following is the biblical account of the first couple. As you read, think about how you might have handled the situation.

Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the LORD God had made. He said to the woman, "Did God really say, 'You must not eat from any tree in the garden'?"

The woman said to the serpent, "We may eat fruit from the trees in the garden, but God did say, 'You must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not touch it, or you will die.'"

"You will not surely die," the serpent said to the woman. "For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil."

When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it. Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves.

Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the LORD God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the LORD God among the trees of the garden.

But the LORD God called to the man, "Where are you?"

He answered, "I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid."

And he said, "Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?"

The man said, "The woman you put here with me—she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it."

Then the LORD God said to the woman, "What is this you have done?"

The woman said, "The serpent deceived me, and I ate."

The Power of Expectations

Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
But a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.
(Proverbs 13:12)

“Expectations are profoundly powerful, as they reflect what we long for and how we wish things would be” (Stanley et al., 2002, p. 138).

Expectations & Hidden Issues

Each person enters a relationship with certain expectations based on his or her beliefs and values. It would be great if the couple could acknowledge their expectations and talk about them. However, most of expectations and issues lie hidden, that is, until a partner bumps into them! Reactions are often immediate and intense, and can seem to "come out of the blue."

According to Stanley et al. (2002), some of the major problems that arise include issues and expectations regarding power, caring, recognition, commitment, and integrity.

The issue of power includes expectations about how decisions will be made, and about how control will be shared or not shared. Money and sex are often used as tools to gain power in a relationship. No wonder they provide the content for so many arguments!

The issue of caring includes expectations about how your partner should show that he or she loves you. This one is often based on the belief that your partner "should know" without being told what you need in terms of affection. Individual differences are vast, and unfortunately, mind-reading is not usually covered in premarital counseling. In short, how will he know unless you tell him?

The issue of recognition includes expectations about how your partner should respond to who you are and what you do. Couples can easily get locked into a competition about who contributes most to the relationship (or family), each trying to convince the other that his or her contribution is greater. Everyone wants to feel appreciated and valued.

The issue of commitment includes expectations about how long the relationship should continue and, most importantly, about safety from abandonment. One of the biggest impediments to couple's counseling is an underlying fear that one's partner will leave. The bottom line: "If you're not committed to me, how can I risk being honest with you about my thoughts and feelings?"

The issue of integrity includes expectations about being trusted and respected. Despite our shortcomings, we all believe that deep inside we're really pretty good people. How do you see your partner? Do you treat him or her with respect? Do you see the "image of God" reflected in your partner? Do you trust him or her to do what's right?

The Sources of Our Expectations

Where and how do we develop our values and our expectations? We base them on our own family experiences, previous relationships, our culture (television and the movies contribute a lot here), and our religious/spiritual beliefs.

What to Do About Your Expectations

First, you have to be aware of them, which may require a bit more self-reflection.

Second, ask yourself if your expectations are reasonable. In other words, is it humanly possible or is divinity required?

Third, be clear and let your partner know what you want. Remember that he or she always has the right to say no.

Finally, be open to dialogue, not only with your partner, but also with God. You may be right to stick to your expectations, but this may also be a great opportunity for you to grow!

Issues & Events

It's not about money,
it's not about careers,

it's not about housework,
it's not really about
his leaving the toilet seat up.
The real issues are deeper
and more elusive.

(Stanley et al., 2002, p. 119)

The graphic below illustrates the concepts presented in Chapter 6 of A Lasting Promise (with the added "bottom line" based on attachment theory).