Identity & Attachment

Identity: You Were Designed by God

I praise you because I am
fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
(Psalm 139:14-16)

Redeemed by God

But now, this is what the LORD says—
he who created you, O Jacob,
he who formed you, O Israel:
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
(Isaiah 43:1)

God did not create couples; he created individuals. He did, however, design them for (to be in relationship with) one another.

“You can’t develop true biblical oneness in marriage by having one person’s identity disappear or be engulfed by the other, forming one big blob” (Stanley et al., 2002, p. 16).

Attachment: You Were Designed to Be in a Secure Relationship

The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame. (Genesis 2:24-25).

… they were no longer two, but one. (Matthew 19:4a)

You are different from the first couple in that your first attachment was to your parents or caregivers. That’s where you learned what it feels like to be in relationship. Before you even met your partner, you already had a pretty good idea of what that relationship should be.

"… our relationships with those we love most are the very hardest relationships to keep on track" (Stanley et al., 2002, p. 14).

There are only four responses to the question,

“Will you be there when I need you?”

1. Yes! We are both lovable. Not perfect, but lovable. I want to be there for you!
   
2. No, I am broken. There is something wrong with me. I am unlovable.
   
3. No, you are broken. There is something wrong with you. You are unlovable.
   
4. No, we are broken. There is something wrong with both of us. Neither of us is lovable.
   

We are creatures of habit. We constantly take in information and attempt to organize it into a familiar pattern. If it doesn’t seem to fit with our experience, we become anxious to one degree or another. We may test and retest the water many times until we feel at home.

Although we all need and desire safety in our relationships, we also unknowingly seek to confirm our basic beliefs about ourselves and about others.

What is Oneness?

Individuality remains, now enveloped in and protected by the newly formed relationship. In other words, two individuals create the couple as they support one another's growth. What affects one will affect the other as well.

Learn more about identity and attachment at www.OCChristianCouples.com.