Reality Check
We know that the first marriage wasn't always a Garden-of-Eden experience, right? The first couple had their share of problems (see Genesis 3 and beyond), and contemporary couples do, too.
It usually doesn't take long for couples to figure out that marriage is challenging, if not down right difficult at times.
In fact, the number one reason people seek the help of a counselor is due to distress in a close relationship.
Although marital difficulty doesn't necessarily lead to divorce, it's good to know how to recognize the warningsigns.
What relationship factors predict divorce?
According to Dr. John Gottman's marriage research, the following were characteristic of couples who divorced.- In unhappy couples, partners still made many bids for attention, closeness, or reassurance. However, they only responded to each other's bids 33% of the time.
- Wives raised issues harshly and tended to make generalized statements, such as "You never ...," "You always ...," or "What's wrong with you?"
- Unhappy husbands got upset more easily (as indicated by heart rate, breathing, etc.) during arguments and had a harder time calming down.
- As a result, husbands tended to shut down and become as blank as a wall or to withdraw from their wives.
- Sometimes, wives shut down and/or withdrew. It was particularly disastrous if the wife was the one to withdraw.
- In short, when arguments started with a harsh comment, 94% of the time they only got worse!
Trapped in a Cycle
Before they realize what's happened to them, many couples develop an unhealthy cycle of interactions. This cycle usually begins early in the relationship and intensifies over time as the couple has more at stake.
An unhealthy cycle of interaction includes one or more of the following as a regular part of the relationship:
Criticism - launching an attack on your partner by questioning his or her character, intelligence, and/or abilities
Stonewalling - withdrawing and/or refusing to respond to your partner
Defensiveness - reactively attacking for self-protection
Contempt - this one is particularly toxic (Couples who express this — verbally or nonverbally — rarely do well.)
Relationship Repair
The good news from research:
Dr. Gottman found that 83% of newlyweds who criticized, stonewalled, and/or made defensive attacks were able to stabilize their marriages over time if ...
… they learned how to make adequate repairs of the damage after the fight.
Proverbs 15:1
A gentle answer turns away wrath,
but a harsh word stirs up anger.
If you and your partner would like to learn how to repair your relationship,
give us a call at 714-865-2164. We're here to help.
If you reside outside the Los Angeles-Orange County area,
you may be able to find the help you need in
the CPR Directory of Christian Therapists.
Note: All information provided on this website is for general informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for a professional evaluation. If you are experiencing emotional distress, please contact a mental health professional.
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