The Power of Emotion

Communicating Safely and Clearly

Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry. (James 1:19)

Many of the biggest arguments you will have together may begin with a simple anger-provoking misunderstanding about what your partner is saying.

Filters affect what we say, what we hear, how we interpret things, and how we respond. Some common filters are:

• inattention
• beliefs and expectations
• differences in style
• self-protection
• emotional states

The Power of Emotion

The principle function of emotion is to communicate (to oneself and others) the current state of affairs.

Our partner is so important to us that signs of distress can immediately trigger intense feelings that are not unlike how you feel when you're standing on the edge of a cliff with your toes hanging over the side.

Our fear does what God intended for it to do. It triggers the fight-flight-or-freeze response and blocks out anything that doesn't offer a pathway for escape to safety.

Are marriages a haven of safety?

Not always. However, structure can help you keep your partner safe. There is a direct relationship between risk and intimacy in marriage.

There is no fear in love, but perfect love drive out fear,
because fear has to do with punishment. (1 John 4:18)

The Rules (See A Lasting Promise.)

for Both of you ...

1. The speaker has the floor.
2. Share the floor.
3. No problem solving

for the Speaker ...

1. Speak for yourself.
2. Talk in small chunks.
3. Stop and let the Listener paraphrase.

for the Listener ...

1. Paraphrase what you hear.
2. Don't rebut. Focus on the Speaker's message.

Advantages of the Speaker-Listener Technique

Using the technique helps prevent communication problems with:

• escalation
• invalidation
• pursuing and withdrawing
• filters

If you and your partner are having difficulty using the Speaker-Listener Technique, give us a call. We're here to help. 714-865-2164